Its been better.

I think I write a lot of posts on this blog when I’m depressed which, unfortunately, is more often than not. Its where I am at home is depression. I don’t like mania because that’s random and problematic. I can’t control what I do then because I am a person who is on the impulse of everything. Depression is controlled to an extent.. Also I can’t remember a time where depression hasn’t been there. I do remember my mom feeding me Wellbutrin after my first panic attack in third grade. I think its why I’m fan of a pill high. It feels like comfort.

I realize as I’m writing this how fucked up my life is.

Is that why I’m writing? No. I am going through a good period now which means I’m terrified. I’m not as depressed as usual but I have been sick so that will not last. I’ve gotten another set of ear infections which concern me that eventually they won’t clear. I haven’t been able to hear much out of my right ear in over a week. Its very upsetting. Mania and infection go hand in hand mine isn’t clearing up as quickly as I’d hope.

Its going to be a long summer.

That being said there is good news. If everything goes right I’ll be leaving my current job soon enough and moving on to sometihng I’m more intrested in. I’ve also received an acceptance to grad school. which has happened before but this time I’ve done every bit of leg work. I’m terrified but excited.

I’m afraid I’ll fuck this up. I always do.

So where am I mentally? Waiting for this to all fall apart or hoping i get my spark back…Either one.