So.

I was looking at this and it seems like the last time I did a blog was, well, a while ago. Its a problem of mine. I get distracted or I get too busy and then I forget. But if the last one I did looks like it was about the Last Jedi then, wow, its been ages.

Hi, everyone, hope you’re doing well.

I suspect that I’m posting this now because I don’t know where else to write. I’m sure everyone else’s lives got upended during the pandemic. Mine didn’t seem like it until it was. I think we functioned all right during that and then stress and depression came over everyone. I can’t tell you how I’m not in a psych ward but I think it was the fear of dying from Covid that kept me at home even during the worst of it. So, what’s changed since I last wrote.

A lot.

Let me start at the beginning which is a very good place to start. I don’t talk about this openly because I’m not sure where to talk about a lot of things. My mental health has been a subject of discussion of past blogs including writing about my depression which always feels like a silent screaming ghost that follows me. I thought I was winning that fight until I wasn’t. I won’t go into details but yes, I did spend a week a week trying to get balanced out. Yes, I’m still struggling to learn the ins and outs of living with Bipolar Disorder. I thought I was winning.

Then, the Fire Nation attacked.

I’m not going to pretend that COVID has been easy for anyone. Its been easier for me more than most. I didn’t have a job outside of the home at the time of the start of the pandemic. I could avoid most things. The only thing that seemed to be missing was a daily work out routine which came back slowly. Everyone was safe. This means that it led to a new problem. I’m sure like most of you, the doom scrolling came and I watched in horror as my country started to rip itself apart. I won’t lie and say that this didn’t surprise me. Despite what you might think its never been 100% peaceful here but as someone with Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD this was my hyper focus. This is where I spent my time. I’m still waiting for the improvised death squads to start roaming the country.

1/6 has fucked with me.

Seems pretty self absorbed to say I have trauma from this event when I only watched it on TV but when you have literal nightmares of this happening for two years (down to the Q Shaman) its hard to divorce it from yourself. I’ve not moved past that fear. I’m still scared of where this is going. I thought I was doing better and then the worst thing in the world happened.

Jeff died.

Something I also don’t speak about it my older brother Jeff. He was a special needs individual who couldn’t advocate or protect himself from anything online and so I kept him away from my social media except for my personal Facebook which was mostly family and friends who knew and love him. Jeff was the love of my life and I love my husband. This has destroyed me.

What does that mean for the books?

I’m still writing but its going slowly. A lot of that is I don’t see a reason to keep going. A lot of my plans were to quit when my father died so I could focus on taking more care Jeff. I wanted to take him lots of places not just conventions but I wanted to go to the beach with him or even a restaurant and I’m heart broken.

Its been a year and I’m still heartbroken.

So, thanks for sticking with me. I’m hoping we can go forward but I make no promises.

-S.