July 20, 2017

And so my Facebook feed blows up again with another suicide of a musician.  I'm not going to sit here and pass judgement because that would be cruel at best and hypocritical at worst.  I don't exactly know what to say at this moment.  I wasn't a fan of Linkin Park.  My love emo music crested a generation before that.  It is a far more common event in the life of artistic people than we care to acknowledge.  The same part of my brain that helps me create poetic prose and literature also where the bad brain weasels live.  Its a matter of chemistry and its hard and I hate it.

I had an episode yesterday myself.

I don't like talking about it because it embarrasses me to no end that it happens.  I have a low genius level IQ.  I have written three books and completed college.  I speak four languages and yet I can't control the brain weasels which aren't real.  I get this thought in my head about something and then I obsess about it and pulls me apart.  I am smart enough to know it happens but I have no control over it.  Its like I become someone else when they hit.  Its not me.  I don't know where I go but when the ghost shows up I'm done.

I've written before about it.  I think of it as a Hungry Ghost.  In Hindu religion, when a soul can't move on due to a violent death or something undone they remain and crave what they can't get to pass on.  They attach to the living and takes it always.  It devours everything of the person.  I can't agree more.  I'm so tired after an episode I can barely move.

It just happens.

That's what I know.  I will never be rid of the monster, the hungry ghost.  It'll kill me one of these days.  What do I do?  As terrible as it sounds, you just learn to live with it.  You can try to not feed it but one day it'll consume.  Bad days happen.  I don't have much to offer in the way of help but be aware of it.

Please be aware of it.

If you feel like you're triggered today please do what you need to in a crisis situation.  Call you crisis person; therapist, friend, who ever you call.  Please don't let go.  Not today.

S.